


other people

by poalimal



Series: the process [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: After Hockey, Break Up, Coming Out, Double-texting, Gen, Grief, Recovery, The Process
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 00:32:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14630277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poalimal/pseuds/poalimal
Summary: I wish I could show him who I am now. I wish he could see.Three days in the life of Jack Zimmerman.





	other people

 

_Got any tips for birdwatching?_

Jack's a light sleeper. The text is the first thing that morning he reads. He does his stretches, then reads the message a second time. Still doesn't know how to respond. He can still run - carefully - which he does: carefully. He leaves his phone behind.

When he comes back home, his workout clothes with the rest of that week's clothing make for a full load. He sets the wash, then takes a shower, brushes his teeth. Goes downstairs and eats toast and peeled pamplemousse. He always forgets the English word for it. Like aubergines. Bits called them something different. Jack's never liked them much, whatever they're called. He doesn't buy them anymore. He doesn't buy a lot of things anymore.

Jack breathes - then he wipes the counter clear of crumbs, and cleans the rest of the kitchen while he's thinking about it. It's boring work, cleaning. But it is work. Everyday he reminds himself: it is work. Still, he'd rather be writing. And he's done everything else he's needed to for the morning. So he goes to write.

His studio is as he left it yesterday evening. That is, cluttered and uninspiring. Maybe he should start adding it to his evening chore roster. And maybe he should stop thinking about chores.

He writes. He doesn't make as much progress as he would like. He produces five more paragraphs and loses about twelve after spending a half-hour on the phone arguing about source integrity with Yael. Yael talks a lot; she is very adamant. Jack likes hearing her speak. He tries to listen to her very closely. He is trying to break the habit of closing himself off to people. He doesn't exactly know how to measure his progress. These days he really only talks to Maman and Yael. Shitty, too, sometimes.

'Ok then,' says Yael, sighing, 'you've gone over all quiet. Will come over tomorrow. Till then.'

Jack usually turns his phone off after they talk, otherwise it's just a waste of battery. But today he goes back and reads the message from that morning again.

By now it's mid-morning. A second text joins the first as he watches.

_Sorry. Got any tips for *birding?_

Well. Maybe this could be Jack's measure. He responds: _Hi Ransom. Good to hear from you. Hope you're well. What kind of birds are you trying to see?_

He still doesn't know how Justin even knew he likes to birdwatch. Maybe he asked Shitty?

 _Uhhh lol I dunno..._ Justin responds. _this guy I'm seeing is taking me birdwatching this weekend and I don't want to embarrass him in front of all his bird friends. Lol_

Jack blinks. Justin dates men. Justin dates men?

'Did we know that?' Jack asks, reflexively.

Of course there's no response. His face and eyes burn a little, once he realises what he's done. He laughs at himself. Better than the alternative.

He can't tell if Justin just came out to him for the first time, or if he's been out to him for years and Jack just never knew because he never really bothered with details like that. He feels sorry over it either way. He texts a smiley face emoji. Adds:

_He sounds like a keeper. Just don't wear anything too bright or too loud and you should be fine. Mostly it's about managing the art of stillness._

He feels embarrassed right after he hits Send. Managing the art of stillness? This is why Aunt Norrie said his book was too New Age.

Justin doesn't respond again that day.

 

* * *

 

Yael comes by the next day. Justin doesn't respond then, either.

 

* * *

 

On Friday, Jack reads Justin's first two texts and thinks about all the reasons someone wouldn't reply back to him that have nothing to do with him as a person.

It doesn't really work. It's not like with Shits' guerrilla-style, stay-at-home, father-of-four, up-at-3-cus-of-colic texting. He doesn't exactly have some great relationship with Justin he can reassure himself with. He doesn't even know when Justin started liking men. They're not especially good friends, generally, and Jack is, specifically, not a very good friend. But it's not like he can get better without trying.

_Good luck on your date! :)_

There. That's not-- overly familiar. Friendly. Only mildly probing. Bits would be proud. Well. A past version of him would be proud. These days he probably wouldn't care.

Jack's phone buzzes mere moments after he sends off the text. And this is what Justin writes.

_For a long time I thought the only way my father could love me as much as he l oved hockey was iff I was the best at it. But the truth is that he always loved me and my mother, our family more than anythng else. Than anything else. nd I never understood it while he was alive, becauseI was always so busy rwnning away from myself.From the parts of myself that I thought would shame him , or hurt him. I just wanted to mae him happy, to make him produ. But for him, my being happy made him happy, my being proud made him proud. And I couldnt be h appy if I was hiding from myself. I miss him everyday. I wish I could show him who I am now. I wish he could see._

A punch to the gut. It catches Jack completely off-guard. His breath hitches, his nose tickles, his eyes stream. He puts down his phone, and he goes up the stairs and he cries.

 

* * *

 

That night, he plugs in his phone (now dead). It takes 15 minutes for the little bitten fruit logo to come-up on the screen. He gives his phone a little more time to wake up, because it's an older model, and it needs its rest.

And then he reads.

_Sorry about all the typos. I was debating whether to send that for a couple days. You know for a while there I read your Acknolwedgmnets every day?_

_*Acknowledgements._

_**Acknowledgments. Adam gave me your book when I moved back home. He bought like 10 copies for all of us. Anyway ummm. Because I dont think that you know. I was engaged. To a woman. I loved her a lot. But I was unhappy. And I knew why but I did nt want to know why. And then even after I broke up with her I was still unhappy. More unhappy. It felt like I had ruined my own life. And then I read your book. About your dad. That's from the first page. You said, I couldnt be happy if I was hiding from myself. And it was like a lightbulb went off. I was still hiding. I wasnt really running anymore but I was still hiding. And I'm dating now. Seeing men. Talking to a therapist. Trying is really hard. But it really really meant a lot to me to read your words. Also it's just a really beautiful, really amazing book. I keep it on my bedside table. And I woke up on Wednesday and saw it I thought, I should thank Jack. I didnt know how lol. But I guess its pretty easy when you think about it._

_So. Thank you._

And then, a few hours later, Justin had added:

_I shouldve done this in person. Reading this over again and it feels like Im mining your pain for my own self enlightenment. I'm really sorry. That text was probably really painful to have to read all of a sudden. You didnt ask for that. I really apologise._

It's probably one of the most meaningful reactions he's ever received about his book, second only to Maman's. (Everyday I see him in you, she said. Everyday you make us proud.)

Jack hits Call before he can think much about it. And then he sees the time, and can only hope it goes to voicemail.

It does not.

''lo?' says Justin, voice thick and syrupy. He's clearly half-asleep. And Jack suddenly wants to see him, to see Maman and Shitty and Lardo and the kids and Adam and Linda and Bitty-- well. Maybe not Bitty yet. But his life never began and ended with Bitty - so why is he acting like it did?

How has he let everyone else drift out of his life? After all this time... he'd thought he was through with hiding, too.

'Justin,' Jack says, somewhat urgently, 'you said you moved back home?'

'--wh, Jack?' Justin says. 'Ih'this Jack?'

'Yes,' says Jack.

A pause. 'Jack?' Justin asks again. He actually sounds less awake than before.

Jack starts to smile. 'How about I call you back in the morning?'

'Mmh'ok,' says Justin, 'ok, Jack, ok, I'll be--' He hangs up abruptly.

Jack laughs aloud, alone in his bedroom. They can talk in the morning.

That's something, he thinks, trying to hurry up and get to sleep. That's something.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> While I am admittedly exhausted with the Big Fish-ian Story-Of-Man which forces men to fixate on the truth their dead fathers present rather than engaging even superficially with the ongoing truth of their living mothers - in this, Jack was speaking specifically of his understanding of his late father in the context of writing his father's biography.
> 
> Title comes from the dreamy Beach House song.


End file.
